Daylight then Darkness

I am exhausted. I once took a twit’s advice. It has been a long road, but I can say I have been writing all day for others. I just messaged my friend saying, “I don’t have time to write for me.” Maybe that is a good thing. I blogged for someone last year. I am grateful I learned active and passive voice. I write in a passive voice for myself. For others, I write in an active voice. I, of all people, have become disciplined.

The real rush is the SEO aspect of things. Google gets my adrenaline pumping.

Log of Love

Today, I spent the day with my grandparents. A few days ago, I said I was dying for a soft ice cream cone. When I had mentioned it to a friend, they replied, “what are you, five?” I explained, “no I am not five years old, far fucking from it, but you go without when you do not have.”

We visited my grandfather’s brother in a nursing home. I must say, I fully believe in physician assisted suicide because who wants to live like that? I have never visited a nursing home. The screaming, the insanity, the smell, only had me hoping I die young without needing anyone to wipe the drool from my mouth.

Mind you, my grandfather has one leg and is in a wheelchair and my grandmother uses a cane. They are in full capabilities mentally and have to be two of the most selfless people I am related to. We all went for ice cream because they are physically restricted and do not get out much. We all enjoyed it and it is the simple things in life that a cost $6.63 to make three people happy.

I am financially restricted and am proud to say that I only took $10 from them throughout the course of my never-ending unemployment. I had to shovel blocks of ice that were heavy and I was aggravated. The $10 I took because it was hard work and they knew it. I have to keep them safe from falling and I try to protect them from the family capitalist.

Listening to them, there are two sides to every story and their stories sometimes have cracks and I hone in on the cracks and dig. Throughout the past week, I have learned that they keep a log of family members visiting them. Sadly, some only visit when they need money. I walk in and always say, “Who comes here when you need me, not when I need you?” I am in need and they know it, but just like them I am stubborn and I will be the one that did not take anything from them.

They write down how many days have lapsed from your last visit. They also write down the intent of your visit. Was it to say hi, was it to help the, or their most favorite act of when people ask them for money. I was punished once because I was sick and did not want to give them a viral infection, therefore, food they had purchased for me was Indian given. We have a very open relationship where I can tell them I am still pissed about that. Tomorrow is another fun-filled day and I look forward to it because we have fun. I laugh more with them than I do anyone else.

I also have them respect my boundaries. I say no if I can’t help and say it can wait until tomorrow. I hope I get to teach them things as they have taught me. 40 years and I still have them. Physically they have aged, but my grandfather will still give me the middle finger and crack jokes about me. My grandparents are epic and I want to give them the simple joys that they cannot get. Do we argue? Absolutely, but we love each other. I do what I can for them in my capacity and we laugh.

Sometimes I may only have a few minutes and some days I may have a few hours. I am honest with them because the wool has been pulled over their eyes for too long. I refuse to be there for them in my time of need, but will be there in their time of need because they need to get out and live more. You only have one life and despite their impatience and stubbornness, I can tell them when they drive me nuts. I must say I am excited to hang out with them tomorrow. They do not ignore me like so many others have opted to. I certainly cannot turn my back on them now.

What a Week

Memoirs Style

Saturday 8.31.19

Heard from a real relic of my past. Good thing I know how to get them to be good and gone. People who I assumed believed in me have opted to ignore me. When you have nothing, you become nothing. I am sad that selfishness runs rampant. I have grown beyond exhausted of hearing the excruciating words: ‘take any job.’ I saved my house for a few months. I have begun completely emptying it. No one seems to understand the seriousness or severity of my issues. Ignorance is pure bliss. In the back of my mind, I think I will be saved, but things are not progressing. I sleep when I can. Strangers care for me more than anyone. America makes me sad.

Sunday 09.01.19

I am flattered by the new moon and the men who have resurrected. I can safely say I do not need a man. Why show up now after the past 18.5 months have been a horrific hell? It is too late, and I am too far gone. Thanks but no thanks.

Monday 09.02.19

Labor Day, where my labor goes unpaid and reaps no rewards. I ate dinner with my grandparents. I am fortunate to still have them. I show up when they need me, not when I need them.

Tuesday 09.03.19

Angry that as a seller, I do my part and perform. Then I get a decision against me because the USPS drops the ball like no other. I hope there will be a day where I do not have to sell in a futile and flailing attempt to survive. The platform announced it is offering extra seller protection due to Hurricane Dorian. I call bullshit on that one. They offer zero seller protection and remind me of Mercari.

Wednesday 09.04.19

Working on something and cannot disclose what that something is. I saw the devastation in The Bahamas, and while I have not experienced a natural disaster, my life has somewhat become a disaster. I reached out asking how to send clothing and supplies. I am awaiting a response. I heard from an old friend tonight, the kind of faithful friend who once deemed themselves as my biggest fan. They still are. I also have solidity and proof that maybe I can write.

Thursday 09.05.19

Woke up to some sack of shit claiming I tampered with their shit-ass skincare product. Sweetheart, I am broke as fuck and would not put that shit on my face if someone paid me. The company claims to be earth-friendly therefore; they do not seal their products. How is that my fault, Cunt Master? I hope you take the money I refunded for your first world problem and donate it to hurricane relief. I hate mankind. You think that is a significant problem? Let’s drop you off in The Bahamas and see how well you fare princess.

Then some dick bag responded to my donating goods because money is not a reality in this broken and shit-stained world that I live in. A user ‘advancedgoogle’ claimed that my personal life simply consists of only movie advertising. First off, ball sack, I can smoke your ass in Google. I responded eloquently, naturally, and got upvoted quick. The pansy deleted their comment because they should have known better to not cast words at me because words are my weapon.

The new Lana Del Rey album is brilliant, dark, melancholic, and incredible. The dark goddess, is back and this album is a true work of art. Without darkness, creativity suffers, and you lose your edge a little bit. This album is full of pain and a shattered spirit. I absolutely am balls to the wall obsessed with it.

I am not quite sure what has been up people’s asses lately, but I am in no mood for their shit and am not tolerating it. Don’t act like you care one day and then just go AWOL the next. That just isn’t right.

Friday 09.06.19

I had an appointment this morning and went out to my car to see my tire flat. There’s an air pump close, so I drove down and attempted to fill my tire with air. As it was not inflating and I had the pump blocked, I got back in my car and had a car full of neanderthal men yelling that I had a flat tire. No shit Sherlocks.

I had to get home to solve my one of many problems. I had to cancel my appointment, and they were so nice, not charging me for cancellation and took the time to think if they could come to pick me up. I got home and tried thinking, ‘who can I ask to help me?’

I called one person. No answer and my phone call was never returned. I then texted my neighbor, and she was busy but said that she would help me. If I ever become successful in some capacity, I need to repay her and her husband big time. I told her not to worry because I needed to take a break and sleep.

I woke up later, and her husband came with some kind of pump and filled it up enough to go to the tire shop and get it fixed. Turns out, it had a metal shard in it, and they fixed it. At that point, it was in the late afternoon, and my nerves were already shot.

I kept thinking through the day how I have no one here helping me with anything really. I continued to think of all I have done for so many people, and once they got what they wanted, they were done with me. Naturally, I’d hear from them again the next time they needed something, but no one seems to ever pay it forward. Hence why I have lost my hope in mankind.

Then I think of my neighbors and how they have become more like my family. I can just walk in their house, I can count on them, and they help with no end-game. They check to see if I need groceries or food. They have given me so many things to sell and put State Farm to shame because they are not just good neighbors, they are great neighbors. They also do more for me than State Farm, who is my insurance company.

I cried and slept most of the day. Disappointed, destitute, and losing my determination. Listening to Lana Del Rey on repeat and reliving the memories of all my pain and suffering. I could count on very few people. When I am helpless, I do not get much help. Instead, I do the helping. It is because people tell me I am strong.

I then opted to ditch 100 friends on Facebook because people can get fucked. Then come the barging of sound from my phone. Receiving requests and asking for follow-ups. Sometimes I just simply need to breathe. If I say I will do something, I will. My life is somewhat in shambles right now, and I have to be my number one priority. I am fighting the biggest battle of my life.

Then amid my melancholy, I check my email to see a jaw-dropping sender. The music, the melancholy, the mental anguish, and then this message. It was a kind message, and I responded not out of obligation or courtesy but because they were checking on me because they know I am struggling.

Throughout the night, my new batch of friends reached out. It was nice knowing despite every loss, the new kids on the block, the strangers who I’ve met and grown close to over the past few months support me and believe in me. Most of the people I knew do not hold a flame to them. That is the sad truth about life. Once people are situated and comfortable, you see they only needed you in times of trouble.

HER BEST YET

I have been bawling for a week. She is back. If you are long-time LDR fan and have gone on a “Ride” with her musically, here is my explanation. “This entire album can be explained as ripping bandaids off of your skin. NFR embodies the painful act of ripping off bandaids and then examining all of your scars.”

Also, she sings about Sylvia Plath. This shit is right up my alley.

Cold Connections

I left social media. I went back after a few months. I needed to, not for me, but to do some things. I found out that I missed out on people needing me. A friend’s mother is going into a nursing home, and another friend lost her childhood best friend. I wasn’t there.

I found myself needing support. There is no shame in my game. I went back falsely with a mental list of my ride or dies. I was not asking for a handout. I was asking for my friends to believe in me, to trust me, and to try to help me sweep my path full of debris off. I went to my inner circle. I am shuddering that I was ignored, brushed off, and given excuses by half of them. Fuck you.

I then went to my second ring. They stepped up and showed up. Then I naturally gravitated to perfect strangers. Strangers, ships sailing in the night, to never see and speak to again. My type of people. They stop to my sunken and abandoned ship then move along. I have no hidden treasure to offer.

I REALLY NEED YOU

I have more traffic now. 1,200 plus hits a month which are not robots. It is go time. I need subscribers. I am launching something in my skillset of survival.

Honestly, I am trying to build a close-knit community. My near and dear have got to see me pay it forward. Just because I am at rock-bottom does not mean I have nothing to offer. I am not cold-calling people. I laugh because when I was in a leadership position, I could get anyone to do anything. Now, not so much.

Skirts-Summer Seasonal Sale $8.10 ENDS 08.31.19

This clothing company is amazing and I was fortunate enough to get a discount code for 70% off and want to share it. It works.

CODE IS K373QGOZ

If you have questions regarding use, email me. (info@melissaannmeade.com) US only. There are 4 styles offered in Small, Medium, Large, XL, and XXL. The skirt will be marked down to $8.10. If you have Prime, it ships for free. Enjoy!

Perfect

This shirt is perfect for me because it is titled, “cold shoulder top.” Well shit, I have been getting that my entire life and may as well wear it on my sleeves.

IMG_8344.jpg


Disappointed & Done

My SEO says, “former believer in mankind.”

Every day, I lose more faith in humanity. Disappointment on a huge dish all served up to me. I am even disappointed in myself for still holding onto hope.

I can’t stop blogging even though there is NO POINT. I am growing. A bunch of voyeurs who cannot even click a fucking box. You watch me and I watch you watching me.

Oh and while, I am in a pissy mood, let me tell you, when you do not do a review, you impact someone’s chances of being successful or bettering themselves. People are that fucking selfish that while they dick around on their electronic devices, they would rather read Facebook statuses than look out for someone trying to make it-be it an artist or small business.

As a seller, I will break my ass for your bullshit order with all these demands or accept your pathetic-ass offer and you cannot even leave feedback. You got what you wanted. God fucking forbid, you think of someone other than yourself. I am the one here struggling, but who honestly gives a flying fuck? I work 18 hours a day to only move backwards.

I am going back to bed before I have to wake up and take care of my commitments which I do not get even get paid good fucking karma for.

I will be back blogging in no time because audience retention is the name of the game. I have grown so tired of this game. All of this traffic and hits and NOT ONE PERSON can help me find a steady source of income. What in the actual fuck?

While I am on a rant, I am so sick of summer. I need to start emptying out this house and kick it into overdrive. It is too fucking hot to breathe in the rooms I need to empty.

Such Stress

I have a tattoo on my shoulder saying, “Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough. I don’t know why.” It is a line from the song Born to Die by Lana Del Rey. I got it after driving home from New England and thinking about my life two years ago.

When I am in pain, I am awful. My life has been full of pain. The more I hurt, the more I hunt. If I am going to bleed, the other party will too. I am a writer. It is my coping mechanism. I believe when you love someone, you fight for them. I fought like hell and it wasn't enough. After endless rejections in every aspect of life, I am never enough.

I have been thinking of someone and can feel them. I know I am on their mind. The analytics do not lie.

Part of me wishes they would come and rescue me like they tried to when the house of cards fell in April 2018. Who am I kidding though? I am not worth saving.

Blogging Break

I am taking a break because I do not know if people think I am joking or telling a story, but I am losing my house. I have been so sick physically because of the stress. I have nowhere to go. I have no one. The people that should care about me do not. I try and have tried, but some people will never change. I give everything and anything I can and get nothing in return. I only have myself.

I have never spoken on the phone as much as I have the past two days. If anyone ever has questions about foreclosure, holla atcha girl.

Also, I have been thinking and having dreams about someone a lot recently. I am on their mind as well. They spent their day off on this website. A 40-minute session and then returned in the afternoon. Sorry for getting you to land on Google, but your lies were not healthy for me. I will always love you but just because your girlfriend has leukemia does not mean you cannot leave her. I guess hit me up if she croaks. People like that never die young though.

I am the only one I have. You opted for a weak, needy, pathetic woman who is too dumb to even know who you really are. What we have four more months to go before we see each other again? That is a vicious cycle going strong for four years. Yes, I need you for one thing as you know because I will always have PTSD from the incident in July 2018.

Celebrating

My book was released one year ago today. It definitely WAS NOT worth it. I am taking a break from blogging for a few days. I am trying to get email subscribers. I will leave this linger for a bit while I work on other things,

I knew I shouldn't have relied on SS only for the subscriber list. Re-subscribe because it wasn’t capturing any email addresses. I wish Google hosted domains because I’d leave SS in a heartbeat.