Mementos of the past

Pin and press me down

Does anything ever last?

In memories of you I drown 

I’m unable to breathe

My chest is too tight

Seeing sadness seethe

I am losing all my fight

Worshipped you like a god

Accepted all of your flaws

Figures you were a fraud

My heart wrapped in gauze

This black heart will never heal

Neither will my mangled mind

You came and I chose to feel

Never imagined you’d be unkind

Time slowly keeps marching on 

My beating heart turning to ash

You left me and are so long gone

I will never recover from the crash

Here I am in this aftermath

I see no point in staying here

Full of fury and full of wrath

And you are nowhere near 

Strangers have drawn me in 

Each with an unknown name 

Do they watch me hoping I win?

Or want me to lose an unfair game? 

My lifelines with really long rope

Tugging me along in a Dead Sea 

Do they possess genuine hope?

Or are they only out to drown me? 

Stay silent do not speak your piece 

Very violent, I am my worst enemy 

Will I hold onto them or will I release? 

Is this truly the place I’m meant to be? 

Morbid and morose with zero trust

No loyalties to any of these strangers 

My bloated brain already may bust 

I was not forewarned of the dangers 

I got here with no warning signs

Struggling to break from bounds

Am I a tiny plot in all their designs? 

My cries for help-just muffled sounds

Hush little baby

Have no fear 

Definitely not maybe 

The time is near

All arranged neatly in a line 

Ready to go down the hatch 

Do not raise one warning sign 

Stay remote, begin to detach 

No one will notice you are gone

What legacy do you leave behind?

You do not deserve another dawn 

Or life in a world so cruel and unkind 

Swimming in a Sea of Survival

I am working so much and focusing on everything but my writing. Traffic is up. Despite the poor attempts of blocking visibility, I still get all the data. I have to make time to write. I just do not have that luxury or anyone here to help me accomplish all the mounds of shit I am working on. I keep promising myself I will take a day to write, but I don’t. I never went for my follow-up with my medical stuff. I just don’t have time to breathe.

Is Squarespace Selling my Soul?

So Squarespace may be selling my information.

Datagnu and to Data Captive have constantly been crowding my inbox. How did they get my information? My personal email address that I only provided to Squarespace. If I wasn't paying for Squarespace's services, I feel as if they have the right to sell MY information. I have learned that nothing is free. I am not using their services for free though.

Passing along my information to the heckling and temporary new trend of "B2B" vultures does not sit right with me. I even have been promoting Squarespace because I believed in them. Yet maybe, the greed is getting them. I didn't get any documentation that they would sell my data. With Facebook, you expect it. Facebook doesn't sell my personal information where I get cold calls to pay $10k on marketing and user list emails though. There is a problem now.   

They also told me going from 65 visitors/day to 0 was legitimate. It is time to reconsider this company. "Powered by Squarespace" should say "Stolen by Squarespace."


Saturday Symbolism

In the fall, I was listening to this song over and over. Thanksgiving came and someone said they needed me. I opted to be nice due to a holiday. How symbolic that this song was playing when I walked in? I freaked out and asked if they were my hacker. It was as if it was scripted. Dude doesn’t even own a computer, but he admittedly checks in on me.

As. K.Flay says, “So fuck you and everything you said
It was all lies, messin with my head.”

A Forever Friend

There is this thoughtful, true friend that I have. We met maybe 10 years ago and kind of grew up together. We do not talk every day. I swear he has a sixth sense and reaches out when I need a friend by calling me. I don't ask him to, he just senses it. We worked for the same company and we obviously took different paths. I drove off the off-ramp Dukes of Hazard style and he professionally pivoted onto his path. Through the ten years, he has never ever forgotten me. He is the fuel to the friendship. He didn't know I wrote. Nobody really did. He called today and told me I have a talent and wants me to ghost write his book. I would love to if he ever has time.

I don't think he knows how much he means to me and how much he has helped me by being my bro. I am actually crying right now because no matter how busy he is, he always keeps in touch. He didn't discard me after I left the company like so many others. He is confident and comfortable in his own skin. He is a true leader and (although I think he is difficult to work for) he treats everyone as they are, a human being. He is honest.

He disagrees with me and my mass distribution decision. Maybe, he doesn't get my artistic values and he is thinking as a businessman. I said once I sell 1,000 copies, I will put it on mass distribution. He doesn't think I can sell 1,000 copies. It's not that he doesn't believe in me or doubts me. He's being business-minded and realistic. 

The dreamer in me is now determined to drive sales. I am doing a double AMA that starts at 7:00pm tonight. I already have 7 questions answered so I am hoping it turns out well and I sell some books.

Publishing Pains

I released the book today and let 3 social networks know. I had to expunge it from my emotions. If I read that thing one more time, I'd be seriously fitted for a straight jacket. I wrote a check out to pay the sewage bill and wrote 2002 on it. I have people I never would have thought buying it. Amazon is probably like WTF. The sales haven't downloaded yet.

I want to gut this webpage and do a whole new layout. I made the graphics for it and realized it's not a good idea yet. I am getting traffic that I can somewhat see now. This website though will be remodeled with a fresh coat of paint and the contents packed up. The new one is enabled with the password so when the book is bought, people can go on and see it. My creativity is incredible. I will probably do it during "off hours". 

It feels good to take a break and just kick back for a minute. I don't feel like doing anything for the rest of the day. I don't know what people will think and honestly part of me doesn't care. I feel free. I feel at peace. It's weird. I will never open the book and read it because I probably read it 100 times. Everyone should keep a journal. It is like a time capsule. I may have went too far going back in time, but I am here. It is 2018. 

Thank you for reading.


Soon I Soar

I am almost there. I have 66% of the Kindle version to format. The hyphenated words are driving me nuts. It does it automatically. I am going to just press the publish button when I am done and I think it takes 24-72 hours. I will keep everyone posted. 

I haven't even been on this website. I am working on the new one. I have been digging into the designs and the visual aspect. I am going to gut this and give it a new layout too. I may need a few days to get the other one fully up. It has a blog post up already.



Memoirs' Music

Listen to the music behind the memoirs.

I made two playlists. One is of music I listened to back in 2002-2003. I saw probably 90% of them in concert from the older playlist.

I have a modern all female playlist also that are some of the baddest bitches out there. I saw 3 of them in concert.

What can I say? I love music! 



Ample Announcements

I am moving to a different website. This will still be active. This will be the front of the house website for all of the conservative thinkers out there. 

The new one will be the back of the house where we can be ourselves. Think of the Prohibition Era. The new website, we can be a little more wild. I also will have a newsletter set up that I may receive your email addresses for. I am going to get MailChimp. Google will run all of my analytics from now on. I will also be able to sell books on there and have a booking tab. I highly doubt anyone will book me, but just in case. 

It is already designed and I kick butt in web design. The site is it is not enabled yet. It will be when the book is released. It is a parked domain so you won't find it yet because it is not "live". If you want to keep up with me, you need to buy the book. The new website is announced in the book. It is not in the front or the back either.