Melissa's Manic Memoirs

Social Silence

I am not sure if anyone has noticed, but I have stepped back from social media. Less than 1% of my audience stems from social networking sites. My time is too valuable to waste on bogus bullshit.

I know my audience is expanding so I will write a more detailed post tomorrow. I love music. Sometimes music replaces my words when I do not feel like speaking or writing.



Painters of Pain

Let’s face it, we all have had one person destroy or damage us. That’s just me being dramatic. Let me ease up on my language and use the word hurt. If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you. It could be a friend, family member, colleague, or a stranger.

As I have had to go back and “move past my pain,” I saw that I hurt people. For one, it’s too late to make amends. Pain can add up and take its toll on a human being. Each person who hurts you paints pain on your soul’s canvas.

Sometimes, pain gets so heavy that it can trigger someone to fall. Hopefully, they stand back up, but sometimes they don’t. Every stroke from every paintbrush gets embedded into their memory.

I was always too wrapped up in my own darkness to see I hurt people. I cried in the summer for nights when I saw it was a motorcycle accident. Last night, I remembered everything so vividly that I went looking for pictures. It was not an accident.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because it was almost 16 years ago, but I know I hurt him and I just saw that this year. I was a painter on his canvas. I know I was not the reason. I just wish I was a better person back then.

I am again engulfed in grief and guilt. Maybe I am over-reacting, but I can’t help but think I was a facet of the weighted pain he carried.

Missed Memories

Sometimes, it is not a good idea to stroll down memory lane. I am having a difficult night. I just further looked into a character in my book (not the main one), and I am having a difficult time.

The dark souls were always drawn to me, and I had no idea they were struggling. I was suffering myself in my own darkness.

Things make sense though.

I miss my LiveJournal where we could list our music. RIP. Soon, some content will be released that was inspired by you and those angelic eyes.

Listening to O.A.R. “The Stranger”

Awake with Anger

I woke up at 2:30 am still incensed over how some people do business. Do not tell me that you are going to speak to me on a particular day and ignore me twice.

I do not know WTF you were thinking or doing, but now you set me a week back from my goals. Your strategy had zero relevance to me. Did you listen to a single word I said? One lesson to learn, do not make a writer angry, especially a crazy one.

VPN Validation

VPNs Gone Wild” during the new moon brings me back to a humid July week of 2018. I was embedded in an emotional battle of my past as I was writing a book. On July 7th, my hacker who was hanging around since March shut me down in some virtual capacities.

I then ventured on a quick journey to get their identity in some unorthodox ways. I had an opportunity to barter. Their identity was not as important to me as me.

That was four months ago today. A new moon has recently harvested another batch of VPNs visiting. A lot can be learned in four months. I am smarter now than I was back then.

Sixty day Secret

Being the disheveled Cinderella SEO success story that I am, I had to implement a strategy and ended up having my personal site taken down. If you want to visit that site, it is up and running. Do not forget, only readers of my book have the password. I suggest you buy the book because it will be reflected on, as I am older, as my best accomplishment

Honest and Hard-Working

In my personal life, I am expected to, “since I do not have a ‘real job’ and have no income coming in” to be at certain people’s disposal.

I am not loafing around doing nothing. I am selling everything I own, which is a part-time job to say the least. I have two books in print that will be released by the end of the year. I restructured my website and I have been designing things for my mother, my only customer who gets everything at cost.

I do not need to wake up to an email telling me I am not spending enough time on something that is personal.

I work like a mule. Due to waiting for my publisher or dream company, I have to work for myself and on myself for now. I do not have a second income earner.

Oh and why is one of my largest audiences in China?

Late LOLs

Someone is on the hunt for my Friends Only announcement. Buy my book. I have another website that grants public access to my private life. I am truly flattered that I fascinate people from my past.

If you care so much, I want and need these items (assembled please). Or send flowers to brighten up my melancholy please.

We will start off with that and then I can add more stuff.

I am still good at keeping secrets. Not one person knows everything I have been up to. My regular visitors are up to 140. I am feeling all inspired as the clock strikes midnight. New day.

Twisted Thanks

For the record:

In my book of Memoirs, I thank two people. To any males, if you think it is you; you are wrong. If you read the book, you will see someone wanted me to write when I was 22 or 23 on their website.

Please do not flatter yourself. Only pivotal people get praise.

I remember when we had Live Journals, we would write what song we were listening to.

O.A.R. 34th & 8th (Live) #4

Nostalgic Night

I am watching old Unplugged shows from the 90’s when MTV mattered. It’s an era that birthed my creativity. It is still a shame that decades later, society still shames us. I no longer have shame.

The dark souls drawn to me believed in me because they could not believe in themselves. They disappeared because they were not strong enough to show up. I will show them the wild card can win.

Many of those that inspired me back then did not survive. If they only knew how many people they helped survive. They inspired me and by them breaking through, I fostered my creativity as I wrote voraciously.

I am telling you, throughout the Memoirs, you will see I always felt I was something. I am just a little late showing up. I have different artists inspiring me today, but as I sit here watching these old videos, I am reminded how much I related to these artists. I felt more connected to famous artists in my teenage years than I had with any other teenagers.

It is still difficult to relate to people still when people continue to hide. I have always been the lone wolf and will continue to be. The difference is now when they come back for me, I know I no longer need any of them. I have the one person I need. My ride or die: myself.

Missing Me

If you find yourself missing me, I apologize. I am excavating content from many moons ago and I am doing YouTube videos. I have a channel. You should watch me ramble. I am doing it to prove I am eloquent or can be. On the bottom of any page on this site (excluding the blog because this can be endless) are my social media connection blocks.

I realize that sometimes, I need to speak rather than type or write. No one really watches them, but they motivate me every day to look like a human being.

There are also a lot of posts on my private page. That is if you buy the book, which is the best work I have ever done.

I may go silent until people start buying my books. Remember I am used to handwriting everything. The 2nd book of Memoirs will be out before you know it. School yourself on my life.